my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
