meet me or not, i'm out of control
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
