I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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