I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
