Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
