you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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