I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
