i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
