This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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