I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Well I just put wine in my tea
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
