my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
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