ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
