she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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