Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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