genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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