Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
