Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
