I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
