someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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