saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
