There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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