i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Two words: blizzard sex
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
