Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
