in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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