Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
