Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you had me at cake vodka
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
