Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
