if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
