my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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