i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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