I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
