Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
