Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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