she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
