oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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