I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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