Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
