i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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