We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
