she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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