Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
