it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
