Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
