Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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