I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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