my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
