i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I need moral support for this bender
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
