my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
