My room smells like vodka and shame
someone threw a dead crab at me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
