Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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