i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
