i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
