He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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