My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
